It was one of those days. But let me make sure I state: I do not mean that in a bad way.
It was a beautiful day. A day of photos, driving with loud music, time alone, time having my parents to myself, a chat with one of my dearest friends, and a funny movie.
It was also a day of thinking. Music does that to me. It brings my emotions to the surface. Which, let's face it, we all need now and then.
So there is a lot to say tonight. And there aren't a lot of photos to show for it. Just like old times.
So I will start here:
Seven years ago this month, I took a job as a nanny. I almost didn't accept the job because it was caring for two girls, and being the tomboy that I was, little boys always felt more like my thing. I did not expect to get attached. I even tried not to. But there is no way that would have been possible. The two little girls skipped directly in to my heart, with their big eyes and short brown hair, and their best stuffed buddies: Shaker and Zoey.
Our story together is long, and I find myself lacking words to express it. I cared for them during a time that was crucial for all of us. They brought my heart to life. And even though I know they know I love them... I think it will be years before they realize how much they enriched my life.
We have experienced so much together. The joys of summer days, basking in the sun, swimming until exhaustion, tanning competitions, long walks in the woods, baking cookies, Jo Dee Messina, injuries, sickness, vacations, planning my wedding... falling in love with my children... and the horrible pain of being separated.
They are now 12 and 10, gorgeous and so mature compared to the babies I drove to preschool.
People told me, before I had children, that I couldn't possibly love them the way that I would my own. But I want to say, for the record, now that I have been a mother for nearly four years, that I did and do love them as much as my own babies.
I am blessed to spend one day a week with them even now, while starting my own business and mothering two babies... but I miss them every day that we are not together. And my heart breathes a sigh of relief on the day that all four of "my kids" can be in one spot.
I thank God I took that job. I thank God that he had that in store for me. What a blessing.
But like I said... there is and was so much to our story. I wonder if I will ever find the right way to tell it. But it amazes me, what a gift their entire family has been for me, and for my entire family.
I have been very blessed in my life with people. I have shared my life with people that, as hard as it can be sometimes, have learned to understand me. And embrace me. And love me.
I was so fortunate for this to have started with my parents and my brother. Then with amazing friends. Then with my husband.
Again. So thankful.
Today I talked with my friend Abby. Plenty of time flies by, and before we realize it, months have passed and we haven't even e-mailed. Or a year has gone by and we haven't looked in to eachother's eyes. But she never feels any further away. I have been gifted in my life with two moms, and Abby is my adopted mom.
Of course now, at almost 30, a mommy isn't something I need often; and just as it has with my birth mother, our relationship has become a close friendship. But she will always be someone I admire. I never doubt that Abby will be able to keep her head above water, gracefully, no matter what life brings. While I can be skiddish with people, Abby really looks at them. At who they are, what they are saying, and feeling... and does so in a way that makes them feel safe. She is one of the most loving human beings I have even known. And I hope that some day, I can show love as beautifully as she does.
I've thought about Ellis a lot today for some reason, too. I have words to write about her, and her birth, and what she has meant for me as a person and a mother. But I think I will wait for her birthday.
Over the past two months, it feels everywhere I turn, there is pain all around me. So many people I love are having difficulties. And not little ones. I have shed many tears this winter for my friends.
Watching their pain, and feeling it with them, makes me hyper-aware of what I have been given.
We all have our seasons. And every life has winters, springs, summers, and falls. We all have our turns... I have had winters and I am aware more will come.
I have been working very hard this year not to let this reality pull me under, as it has so many times in my life. I have had some very rough winters. Of course, some harder than others. But it's hard to let go of that, and the way the scars still hurt when they are pressed on. Some days it's hard to look at the gorgeous blue sky and just drink it in--feeling the warm sun on my face.
But we have to. We have to. I have to.
Life really is such a bumpy road. Sometimes it feels so good. The road is straight ahead, the convertible top is down, and you can feel the sun in your hair... your favorite song is on the radio and you are singing along at the top of your lungs with your best friend in the seat beside you.
And sometimes.
Sometimes it hurts so badly you wonder if you have the strength to pull in your next breath. And it's impressive to you when you do.
I have had an awful time learning to just embrace it all, as it is, for one big ride.
There are things that I cannot imagine experiencing. And some of them people I love are experiencing right now. And I cannot say what I would do if I were in their shoes--how I would feel or react. But I can say that I have been blown away by the faith and dignity these people have shown and expressed. They are changing the lives around them through their hardships, including mine.
I think and talk about inspiration a lot. But that kind of perseverance inspires me more than anything.
So today has been full of these thoughts. Of memories of pain and bearing the pain of others, then thankfulness for those I love, for laughing with my mom, for a good conversation with my dad, for a day off...
... and thankfulness for seasons. Good and bad.
